Sunday, May 29, 2005

Sorry dude...but there is now f-in way I'm going and getting on that new roller coaster in New Jersey. No Way!
Was thinking about it yesterday in similar terms to what you wrote...
No Way.
And I am writing this on the 19th anniversary of the morning a van showed up at my patents house and started me on my summer of adventure in New Jersey (although not spent at Great Adventure (I did actually go there in August of that same year...which coincidentally is the first last and only time I have ever gone on a roller coaster (she sure was pretty...))) here we are 19 years later. That makes the summer I spent in Basic Training half my life ago. The larger aspects of that concept are beginning to sink in with me these days.
"What the hell am I doing with my life?"
Been hearing that one in my head a lot lately.

Friday, May 27, 2005


Just finished a pretty tiring week at work. Spent most of it re-pointing brick walls in the basement.
So here is my question.
Why is it that I pretty much dread tasks before I start them but once I'm into it everything is fine?
They look so daunting when set before me I cower at the sheer magnitude of the undertaking.
I procrastinate.
But eventually I start and just have my usual great time working on it.

So why. Why do I look at the basement and try to find other things to do while subtly trying to talk the boss into going an easier route?

And you know we're not just talking about the brick wall here...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Took me a while but I found where I wrote that.

I think about it a lot too.
I loathe the doing nothing.
I really love the busy time.
I like the idea of being neighbors. And with all of your 'moving right along's need to figure out where your goin so I can look there since my options are somewhat more open...and before I get to the breaking point with this house and decide I just need to get outa here and can't wait anymore.

So what the hell is it about smoking cigarettes that makes it ok somehow to just sit and do nothing so much of the time? I am finding it much more dificult to do things like watch tv or even sit here at the computer. My welder has gotten more use in the past week than it has since I bought it. Mostly just getting in some practice with it playing around. Chris and I have been talking about fabricating an iron fence for the back it would help if I got a little better with the welder before working on something that's gonna have to look good and hold together.

So speaking of which...time to step away from the computer and get ready to hop the train to work...And I can't even tell you how much I like that whole scene...taking the train in stead of being a bad gas mileage vehicle commuter...makes me smile every time I think about it. And the ride's kinda fun too.
Was it you or some npr or tv person that was talking about how we screwed up societaly putting all of our transportation money into highways rather than better public transportation screwing us energy-wise as well as furthering the anti-social nature of our culture?

ok...gotta roll.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Being productive is it's own reward.

It doesn't even have to be actual accomplish something on some great to-do can just be working on a project for pure fun regardless of the final outcome. Add that to a productive day at work and it's just a happy satisfied feeling.
It runs completely counter to the doing nothing lazy shit bored depressed way of life. We have so many ways in our modern society to placate the boredom. So much easier to just get up and do something.

Extending ones days....

Monday, May 23, 2005

Past the 1 week point on the not smoking.
Still haven't had a single one.
It never really is just one though, is it. And there-in lies the problem. If I was one of those people who could do it here and there once in a while when I feel like it and not give a rats ass about it the rest of the time that would be great. But I've never really understood those people anyway.

So here we are at a week.
Yes, I'm still thinking about it sometimes. But I don't think I think about it as much as most people seem to when they first quit. It just doesn't pop into my head that often. Especially if I can keep my mind and body occupied. I think last week was the first week I went to work every day and was even there really early a few times. And I got a shitload done between the longer hours and the not having to stop to smoke half a pack of cigarettes throughout the day. Not to mention the almost immediate lung recovery not having to stop nearly as often because the mask is sucking onto my face from breathing so hard and being soaked when running 100 pound bags of demolition trash up and down the stairs and in and out of the van.

There are still times I think about it. Still times I'm tempted. But like Kevin (who is a day behind me and Roz oddly enough) said last night...that feeling is only there for a few seconds before I remember how much they suck.

So I guess I took today off to deal with the biggest of the stresses. The van is still a problem to be dealt with. Last week it was hidden from at work. Went to work as soon as I woke up...stayed until I knew I could do nothing but go home and go to bed. Worked out good for the wallet...bad for the resolution of the main stress issue. So today I took what I guess was my next step. We'll see what happens now.

But through it all, really I'm just not thinking about smoking.

And we should have a discussion about that cure for boredom thing. Because that's been really funny. Without cigarettes to keep me company on the couch in front of the tv or the computer...I just haven't sat there (or here) much. I'm getting all sorts of little things done...and some big things...and not all chore type things, some fun stuff too.

Anyway...I feel like I've been sitting here too long already...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

ok...Day 2 no smoking.
Day 1 I was a bear.
Worked all day...came home and slept. Was not very nice in-between.
Day 2 hopefully will be better.
Bad timing in stressland...but isn't it always bad timing in stress land.
Just makes me think I want to leave stress land...and once again the solution that comes to mind is the freedom derived from having an estate auction and house sale and then just take the money and run. Leave all this shit behind. Go back to making art and feeling like there is a purpose to my life. Get out of this screw or be screwed bullshit society.