Correct Pronnunciation

ok Rej…So now we know.

Somewhere along the line several years ago I said something to you that hurt you about how you pronounced something. And you said something to me several years ago about my pronunciation that stuck me in a similar manner.

So because of these original inflictions we have spent probably the last ten years or more having a bummer between us that we have poked eachother with over and over again.
I could tell you that, although you adamantly say cyclamen like bicycle that everyone else I have ever heard say it from Paul James to the people at the nursery to the kid at home despot pronounce it cyclamen like I’m feeling sick today (sicklamin). And you could tell me that I was incorrectly remembering how my grandmother who was married to an Italian man that liked to cook (Probably with his shirt off) pronounced Acine Di Pepe and laugh and make me feel like I must be stupid as a rock for possibly thinking that could be how it’s pronounced.
But is that really the point?

First of all, lets get over it.
I think we both might after last nights owning up of the reasons. Dude, I correct the fucking television when it mispronounces something. Sometimes I may be wrong but more often than that I’m not and to not do it would go against my nature and I bet yours as well. So lets just stop taking it personally.
I mean shit dude…You have to realize that after 16 years or whatever that I love you more than any other person on this planet. You have expanded my definition of ‘Best Friend.’
There is no-one that has been a stronger voice in my head over these years. Yes, I used to have conversations with you in my head and when I’d talk to you it would come out as ridiculous angry drivel but think about it there Yin…of all the voices in my life, yours is the one I spend the most time talking to inside. I use your moral compass to help guide me. I think to myself, “How would Renée do this?”
It’s nice to know that when I wake up scared and crying in the middle of the night because I can feel death and the unknown (probably nothing) waiting out there for me that there is someone in the world I can talk to to help me try to figure out how to deal with it and go on and not just paint over it like most people seem to do…like I have done…like I can’t seem to do anymore.
It’s nice to know that there is someone out there in my world who understands that ALL these things are related and that we struggle with them every day.
Someone else who sees the problem of the infinite line and how it relates to ‘nothing’ and how scary that is.
String Theory.
I refuse to let myself imagine even for a second the possibility of my life without you around. I think I’d be WAY more boring…either that or way more nuts but not in the good ways.
Although in this time where I am struggling with the ongoing loss of my father and everything I am learning a lot about life and family I still believe to a huge extent the line from Illusions about how we are not always born into our true family. If family has something to do with a mental connection, you are definitely mine. Not only being there as someone to talk to about things…but being there as a (fill in fancy word here for, ‘the person standing next to me at the precipice of the abyss’) going through a lot of the same things at the same time. Nobody in my biological family is my age like you are, maybe that has something to do with it, or maybe it’s the two know-it-alls thing. Whatever. There is a huge part of me that truly believes you are my sister more than the one in California I share the genetic structures and patterns with. I don’t remember if you ever read the books after Illusions but when I put myself in that dream world that stretches across lifetimes it’s you I’m standing there surrounded by cats talking about the nature of being with.
To put it more in your terms…if all that weird shit about the universe and karma and reincarnation and stuff is right I think somewhere along the line the ladel that created your soul or brain or consciousness and the one that created me were dipped out of the same kettle of cosmic soup.

So to return to the original point here for a moment…

I would like to apologize for all the stupid things I have ever or will ever say to you. I’m sorry I pick on you. I’m sorry I pick on me. I’m not really sorry I’m the type of person that picks though. Gadfly. I’m human. You’re human. We do human things. The things that we usually say, “Oh those stupid humans.” And we hate ourselves and loathe each other and everyone else for doing or saying or thinking. We all struggle. And sometimes we give voice to those struggles at the wrong time or in the wrong manner. It’s part of the struggle and the learning process. Life. It just kinda happens. Neet! Thank you for playing.